A lot of people have been asking me lately, hey? How do you do it? How are you so great? What's your secret?  I tell these imaginary friends some really important life lessons that I have learned over the years, lets go over them, dissect them and understand them so that YOU can become a better you.

Tip #1 When you meet someone (particularly someone of high authority like a priest or a CEO), give them a really limp handshake. Don't know how to do it? Grab your dick and pretend to shake it, like shaking a hand, when it is floppy and soft and that is how your hand should feel to the person you are introducing yourself too. Then during this they may give you a look, when you see this look you suddenly tighten up your grip and scream racist obscenities at them. This will show them that you are very good at reading people's physical interactions.

Tip #2 When you go into a job interview, cut them off during an important topic of conversation. Let's say they are talking, "Yeah so *scratches nuts* why do you think you are qualified for this job? Tell m--" you cut them off here and you say something very awkward. Something like "My grandfather is a fudge packer he works at the chocolate factory." Notice how this is statement will show your future employer that you are also a family man with goals and a family tree who has worked hard and as a result, you should be judged just the same.

Tip #3 If by now they haven't rolled out the red carpet for you straight into a managerial position, I have this step which is a fucking secret. I did this to become CEO of the fucking world, if at the end of a job interview or social interaction you are not satisfied with the outcome. Wait for the person to say bye, if they're waiting for you to say bye first you stand there and cross your eyes until they say it. Fuck them why should you have to take the initiative? Are you some sort of fucking talk show host? Look at them straight in the eyes and pinch their balls or that general area. Then you learn over really slowly and whisper "that's how my uncle used to touch me fag." Yup ! so simple in three easy steps you are now a better person.