Many people (including the president) have asked me "Hey, how do you tell if someone is gay? You're so good at it" then I respond with "Sure i'll tell you, just blow me and fly in bottled air from the Himalayas for me to breathe so I don't have to share it with you peons." I've decided to write a post on how to tell, here's a few ways to tell if someone is gay add up the points and if it's above 10 you have a homo on your hands, I have a PHD in gaydar so don't tell me i'm not qualified to write this you assfucks.
+10 pts if they are wearing assless chaps
+3 pts if they are driving a miata
-3 pts if when asked what the fuck is up with that gay piece of shit car they respond "it's for the track you sound like you want to fight faggot"
+5 pts if they have a nsync poster with lance bass not crossed out on it
+5 pts if they are wearing a deep v-neck that doesn't say any of the following on it, iron maiden, ACDC, Led Zepplin, Dying fetus, Dragon force
+10 pts if they are roller blading WITH a helmet on and acting like they're cool with it
+15 pts if you ask would you like an owl in your barn and they giggle and then say yes and ask if you are gonna put a raincoat on
+20 pts if they call you drunk asking for you to poo on his face while he beats off
-10 pts if when given the choice, would choose to kill someone with their own hands than pay someone else to do it
+50 pts if someone has cried openly in theaters during the scene where one of the weasely twins died during the last Harry Potter, holy fuck was that annoying to sit through, and give yourself another 50 points if you watched it in Santana Row for pissing me the fuck off you big homo
+10 pts if your room is color coordinated
Pretty simple list everyone tally it up, use common sense and always remember that the feeling you feel in your gut is always correct. Even if it turns out you're wrong that someone who you thought was gay is actually straight you tell him to come out of the fucking closet you big big homo and stop lying to yourself
Friday, March 30, 2012
My hero and idol Adam Carolla from Loveline and Manshow fame appeared on the celebrity apprentice this season. I found out and immediately began watching from episode one, he was great and he was himself and I am a big big fan. But I couldn't help but to notice throughout this show that Donald Trump is in love with himself, more than the average human being should love themselves...
In every season he gets out of a limo with people opening doors and basically saluting him, the first scene from the show was all the celebrities standing around inside a historic bullshit theater and he walks in and the theme of the apprentice is literally played by a small symphony during his arrival-what a douche. Second during many scenes especially in the "boardroom" where he fires people, he talks down to everyone like his poo doesn't stink. These are all celebrities who are themselves, accomplished people and here we have donald trump, a man who was born into wealth who talks down to them.
The biggest problem I had was Donald Trump's daughter, holy fuck what an asshole one episode made the teams create an ad to promote her new clothing line. What the fuck? Is she an artist? A seamstress? Is she an editor on vogue or something homo like that? What the fuck qualifies people like Paris Hilton, Ivanka Trump and whoever else to release a clothing line? They themselves have not done anything have they, they are a few generations down from really mattering Ivanka trump is as Louis ck would say her father's "grown up cum" and really has no place starting a clothing line or recording albums.
In every season he gets out of a limo with people opening doors and basically saluting him, the first scene from the show was all the celebrities standing around inside a historic bullshit theater and he walks in and the theme of the apprentice is literally played by a small symphony during his arrival-what a douche. Second during many scenes especially in the "boardroom" where he fires people, he talks down to everyone like his poo doesn't stink. These are all celebrities who are themselves, accomplished people and here we have donald trump, a man who was born into wealth who talks down to them.
The biggest problem I had was Donald Trump's daughter, holy fuck what an asshole one episode made the teams create an ad to promote her new clothing line. What the fuck? Is she an artist? A seamstress? Is she an editor on vogue or something homo like that? What the fuck qualifies people like Paris Hilton, Ivanka Trump and whoever else to release a clothing line? They themselves have not done anything have they, they are a few generations down from really mattering Ivanka trump is as Louis ck would say her father's "grown up cum" and really has no place starting a clothing line or recording albums.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Went to a nice steak restaurant the other night, white waitress didn't seem to like me. I wish I was white.
Anyone here who has taken a sociology class will understand what I am about to say. So far in my sociology classes, the professors have been angry white/hispanic whoever else women who seem to have a bone to pick with society. Now, I am not white, nor am I a woman and I am not religious. But let me first say that these are some of the most uptight and politically correct people I have ever met in my life and they also all tend to lean towards the side of lesbian.
My first professor majored in sociology at UC Berkeley (first problem). Man was she a pain in the ass, we spent much of lecture discussing how we cannot judge a female or a male just by looks alone, we have to take into account people who are either born or choose to be pre-opt male or male turned female or a female who cross dresses to be a male but isn't a female. This is stupid.
Second most heard thing in sociology classes is "You should be careful when you call a black person an african-american" or "you shouldn't be so quick to say someone is a male or female." Most of class was spent looking into civil rights issues, because we obviously don't spend enough time talking about them outside of class as it is. Then we spent the rest of the time listening to a latino professor bash white men, and as this lecture goes on with her and I am serious that it is this blunt "white men are horrible people" I look around the class at the stoned white kids just sitting there taking it in the ass. Bent over and taking it in the fucking butthole where their asshole goes from o to O.
So after a quarter of listening to how horrible white people are in my sociology class, and by the way I've been treated in a racist manner growing up from white people, I'm Asian and I don't even agree with the stupid shit this class taught me. I'm fine with white people who gives a fuck? Everyone is racist, it's not good but it exists in every goddamn culture. Except the blacks, the only race I would not allow my daughter to date. Anyway then we learn a term called the white-man's burden which is a white person has to live with the fact everyone thinks he's an asshole for owning slaves and being racist. So now this class hates on white people, then says white people are burdened by what we are taught. Nice 360 you stupid cunt, what a waste of a class if you major in sociology you should put a sword on the ground and fall on it like a good japanese general. I hate these classes, they are pointless, they solve nothing and I learned nothing.
Anyone here who has taken a sociology class will understand what I am about to say. So far in my sociology classes, the professors have been angry white/hispanic whoever else women who seem to have a bone to pick with society. Now, I am not white, nor am I a woman and I am not religious. But let me first say that these are some of the most uptight and politically correct people I have ever met in my life and they also all tend to lean towards the side of lesbian.
My first professor majored in sociology at UC Berkeley (first problem). Man was she a pain in the ass, we spent much of lecture discussing how we cannot judge a female or a male just by looks alone, we have to take into account people who are either born or choose to be pre-opt male or male turned female or a female who cross dresses to be a male but isn't a female. This is stupid.
Second most heard thing in sociology classes is "You should be careful when you call a black person an african-american" or "you shouldn't be so quick to say someone is a male or female." Most of class was spent looking into civil rights issues, because we obviously don't spend enough time talking about them outside of class as it is. Then we spent the rest of the time listening to a latino professor bash white men, and as this lecture goes on with her and I am serious that it is this blunt "white men are horrible people" I look around the class at the stoned white kids just sitting there taking it in the ass. Bent over and taking it in the fucking butthole where their asshole goes from o to O.
So after a quarter of listening to how horrible white people are in my sociology class, and by the way I've been treated in a racist manner growing up from white people, I'm Asian and I don't even agree with the stupid shit this class taught me. I'm fine with white people who gives a fuck? Everyone is racist, it's not good but it exists in every goddamn culture. Except the blacks, the only race I would not allow my daughter to date. Anyway then we learn a term called the white-man's burden which is a white person has to live with the fact everyone thinks he's an asshole for owning slaves and being racist. So now this class hates on white people, then says white people are burdened by what we are taught. Nice 360 you stupid cunt, what a waste of a class if you major in sociology you should put a sword on the ground and fall on it like a good japanese general. I hate these classes, they are pointless, they solve nothing and I learned nothing.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
To whom it may concern do yourself a favor and watch a movie called Grown ups with Adam Sandler it has changed my entire perspective and outlook on life. Before this movie I was a sad piece of shit, I was a 21 year old who wore diapers and shit myself. I still needed to be breast fed and had uncontrollable diarrhea when I was upset which was all the time. Now I am a CEO of a fortune 500 company who donates >500 million annually to those less fortunate. I am the only non-Mormon who practices polygamy and am married to the following....open up maxim's hottest of whatever year you are reading this and list the top 100 yes folks those are my wives and whatever the description says add married to me, I didn't even want to marry them it was just that after watching Grown-ups I became so awesome that I didn't have a choice because they black mailed me into it somehow...
Thursday, January 26, 2012
A lot of people have been asking me lately, hey? How do you do it? How are you so great? What's your secret? I tell these imaginary friends some really important life lessons that I have learned over the years, lets go over them, dissect them and understand them so that YOU can become a better you.
Tip #1 When you meet someone (particularly someone of high authority like a priest or a CEO), give them a really limp handshake. Don't know how to do it? Grab your dick and pretend to shake it, like shaking a hand, when it is floppy and soft and that is how your hand should feel to the person you are introducing yourself too. Then during this they may give you a look, when you see this look you suddenly tighten up your grip and scream racist obscenities at them. This will show them that you are very good at reading people's physical interactions.
Tip #2 When you go into a job interview, cut them off during an important topic of conversation. Let's say they are talking, "Yeah so *scratches nuts* why do you think you are qualified for this job? Tell m--" you cut them off here and you say something very awkward. Something like "My grandfather is a fudge packer he works at the chocolate factory." Notice how this is statement will show your future employer that you are also a family man with goals and a family tree who has worked hard and as a result, you should be judged just the same.
Tip #3 If by now they haven't rolled out the red carpet for you straight into a managerial position, I have this step which is a fucking secret. I did this to become CEO of the fucking world, if at the end of a job interview or social interaction you are not satisfied with the outcome. Wait for the person to say bye, if they're waiting for you to say bye first you stand there and cross your eyes until they say it. Fuck them why should you have to take the initiative? Are you some sort of fucking talk show host? Look at them straight in the eyes and pinch their balls or that general area. Then you learn over really slowly and whisper "that's how my uncle used to touch me fag." Yup ! so simple in three easy steps you are now a better person.
Tip #1 When you meet someone (particularly someone of high authority like a priest or a CEO), give them a really limp handshake. Don't know how to do it? Grab your dick and pretend to shake it, like shaking a hand, when it is floppy and soft and that is how your hand should feel to the person you are introducing yourself too. Then during this they may give you a look, when you see this look you suddenly tighten up your grip and scream racist obscenities at them. This will show them that you are very good at reading people's physical interactions.
Tip #2 When you go into a job interview, cut them off during an important topic of conversation. Let's say they are talking, "Yeah so *scratches nuts* why do you think you are qualified for this job? Tell m--" you cut them off here and you say something very awkward. Something like "My grandfather is a fudge packer he works at the chocolate factory." Notice how this is statement will show your future employer that you are also a family man with goals and a family tree who has worked hard and as a result, you should be judged just the same.
Tip #3 If by now they haven't rolled out the red carpet for you straight into a managerial position, I have this step which is a fucking secret. I did this to become CEO of the fucking world, if at the end of a job interview or social interaction you are not satisfied with the outcome. Wait for the person to say bye, if they're waiting for you to say bye first you stand there and cross your eyes until they say it. Fuck them why should you have to take the initiative? Are you some sort of fucking talk show host? Look at them straight in the eyes and pinch their balls or that general area. Then you learn over really slowly and whisper "that's how my uncle used to touch me fag." Yup ! so simple in three easy steps you are now a better person.
So today is day something of my diet, I think it was either 3 or 4 but I've already screwed up by eating pistachios and a chicken patty. Tomorrow I will return into my mother's vagina to die. I am like a salmon traveling upstream to give birth and then die where I was born many years before except I won't give birth because I'm not a faggot.
In the other news bring back rage against the machine so that fat white girls on their periods have something to listen to instead of blocking my walking-path up hills when I need to get to class. All of you a-holes who stop i'm going to just wear sweatpants, pop a boner and if I poke you it is your fault you FAT FUCKS
In the other news bring back rage against the machine so that fat white girls on their periods have something to listen to instead of blocking my walking-path up hills when I need to get to class. All of you a-holes who stop i'm going to just wear sweatpants, pop a boner and if I poke you it is your fault you FAT FUCKS
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
I'm back bitches, it is twenty twelve and many things have changed. Some things have gotten better, I can now beat off without crying. It used to be I would start and within a minute tears would be streaming down my face while I did it. Anyway, some things have gotten worse too, people, the city I live in for school, and the radio.
You see some of you don't have to listen to the radio, I however don't know how to operate the bluetooth on my phone so my car can play music off the phone so sometimes I am stuck. And did you think that because I'm asian I can operate bluetooth really well because asians are good with technology? Fuck you racist asshole. Most radio stations are switching from good talk shows to just playing top 40 now I have gone to the site itself, top 40 charts . whatever com fucking bullshit and as I glance through these songs I get an erection because it's none of your goddamn business why I decided to pop a chubby you fucking monkey. I will now review each of the songs or artists in no particular order, but I will let you know what they rank on the mike-hates-this-artist-scale which is really important.
1. Bruno mars- Anything bruno mars is no good, a 4'10" filipino with a guitar and a stupid fedora cap can never go well. A stupid little flip growing up eating jollibees and high self esteem has lead (hopefully) millions of people around the world ripping out their car speakers when one of his ridiculous songs come on the air.
"Just the way you are", "the lazy song", The worst song of all is "grenade" which goes something like I'll jump in front of a train for you, take a bullet in the head for you this is retarded bullshit, I feel like throwing up hearing this pussy ass song Bruno Mars writes songs to make himself sound like a bitch. Oh and you take his wife and you give him the chance to "take a bullet in the head" for her? He fucking pusses out fuck that get off the radio. Ok I feel bad maybe he's a really nice guy or something.
2. Rihanna the greatest most lyrically gifted performer ever, what are you doing on the radio right now? Oh wait you suck the big one, music emits from your forehead. Oh god it's so big I could land a plane on that forehead oh yeahhh so big so large the reason why she's good is because her forehead is doing the singing. okay I feel bad maybe she's a really nice person too.
3. LMFAO, what a great band name you guys are really original I should start a band called LOL and write shit better than you do. "Sexy and i know it" is what's wrong with every fucking person today. I don't know I couldn't think for a second all I have to say is listen to this song and get pissed with me, I don't know what to say about it just listen to it all I can say is LMFAO is my most hated group today I'd rather you duct tape me to a chair and make me listen to rihanna while bruno mars (stands on his tippy-toes) and beats off on my face than listen to any song from LMFAO.
4. David guetta....don't know him, jason mraz...kinda gay but I'm undecided, nicki minaj is annoying but I change her songs so fast when it comes on that I don't have anything to write about her.
You see some of you don't have to listen to the radio, I however don't know how to operate the bluetooth on my phone so my car can play music off the phone so sometimes I am stuck. And did you think that because I'm asian I can operate bluetooth really well because asians are good with technology? Fuck you racist asshole. Most radio stations are switching from good talk shows to just playing top 40 now I have gone to the site itself, top 40 charts . whatever com fucking bullshit and as I glance through these songs I get an erection because it's none of your goddamn business why I decided to pop a chubby you fucking monkey. I will now review each of the songs or artists in no particular order, but I will let you know what they rank on the mike-hates-this-artist-scale which is really important.
1. Bruno mars- Anything bruno mars is no good, a 4'10" filipino with a guitar and a stupid fedora cap can never go well. A stupid little flip growing up eating jollibees and high self esteem has lead (hopefully) millions of people around the world ripping out their car speakers when one of his ridiculous songs come on the air.
"Just the way you are", "the lazy song", The worst song of all is "grenade" which goes something like I'll jump in front of a train for you, take a bullet in the head for you this is retarded bullshit, I feel like throwing up hearing this pussy ass song Bruno Mars writes songs to make himself sound like a bitch. Oh and you take his wife and you give him the chance to "take a bullet in the head" for her? He fucking pusses out fuck that get off the radio. Ok I feel bad maybe he's a really nice guy or something.
2. Rihanna the greatest most lyrically gifted performer ever, what are you doing on the radio right now? Oh wait you suck the big one, music emits from your forehead. Oh god it's so big I could land a plane on that forehead oh yeahhh so big so large the reason why she's good is because her forehead is doing the singing. okay I feel bad maybe she's a really nice person too.
3. LMFAO, what a great band name you guys are really original I should start a band called LOL and write shit better than you do. "Sexy and i know it" is what's wrong with every fucking person today. I don't know I couldn't think for a second all I have to say is listen to this song and get pissed with me, I don't know what to say about it just listen to it all I can say is LMFAO is my most hated group today I'd rather you duct tape me to a chair and make me listen to rihanna while bruno mars (stands on his tippy-toes) and beats off on my face than listen to any song from LMFAO.
4. David guetta....don't know him, jason mraz...kinda gay but I'm undecided, nicki minaj is annoying but I change her songs so fast when it comes on that I don't have anything to write about her.
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